What do you want? Do you want to be happy? Maybe you want a purpose in life or Rat Salad merch? A lot of people want that stuff, so that makes you just like everyone else. Everyone else is great. Happiness is great & if you don't think it is, then good luck at parties dweeb.
Well whatever it is you want, Pharaohs Cape's 2014 album, Steve Spiros, can give it to you. This is a rock album that was cut from an ore of adamant, polished by the Valley Center Choir, & sold at Chick-fil-A's across the country. Legend has it that the album has the power to give people instant access to thousands of channels for a limited time only.
It gave everyone here in the office strange new abilities. That's when everyone just stopped working. We were busy trying to cope with not having access to thousands of channels after listening to "Steve Spiros". The transition from the enjoyment of the album to the disappointment of not having free TV was too quick & it damaged our crew's mental health. It's similar to the damage done to someone's physical health when they switch from an extremely hot environment to an extremely cold one, or vice versa. We couldn't handle it. We were all left wandering around the office aimlessly in a state of shock & depression, which would have been easy to forget about if we had a way to impair our brains using flashing lights, irritating noises, & mindless jokes in order to lose the mental capacity to even remember our depression.
Our new abilities were not as entertaining as over a thousand channels would have been, but we tried to manage anyway. As we tried using telekinesis to fold & fire paper airplanes, we could not help but think about all the types of shows we were missing out on. It was after the last color in the office was copied onto Kirby's (of Pharoahs Cape) new chameleon skin that someone finally cracked from the repetitiveness & predictability of having a superpower. In his or her rage, the lights flashed on & off until the light bulbs suddenly exploded. No one in the office thought much of it because he or she had been having temper tantrums routinely.
Cameron puked & hit the carpet face first, landing on his right temple causing his glasses to splash into his puke. Iain (of Indian Feet) turned around & found the two of them on the floor of his cubicle. Without hesitating, he dragged them to the cleaning supply closet.
The rumors spread quickly around the water cooler & soon the police were interrogating Iain. The officers stopped interrogating him after a few minutes because they ended up becoming his newest friends. They talked for a few hours until their boss finally told them to get back to work. When Iain went back to the office the next day, we were a bit jumpy whenever he made a sudden movement. This made Iain furious & he shot fire out of his hands burning months of precious Rat Salad progress. The sprinklers went off, & the sopping wet Iain ran outside. There, he continued to shoot fire out of his hands scorching crops, world leaders, erotic lamp fixtures, & babies, until the foundation of every country's modern society crumbled.
This is also why we haven't posted since January but if you don't believe us, then you can just eat us.